Abandoned Dreams

I have always wanted to be a sportsman. My love affair with sports started with 1996 World Cup with Sri Lanka and for days I couldn’t get it off my mind, dreaming how I could have helped the Indian team to win and one day I will be part of this team and beat Sri Lanka. Crazy Fantasies. I was just ‘6’ then, now I’m 22 will be 23 in a few days but only one thing has been a constant, I still have the same fantasies. Every time India loses, the planning continues. And when we win there is an emptiness in the deepest corners of heart that ‘Could I’ve been part of this’

The happiest moment of my life is India winning the 2011 World Cup and its hangover lasted for quite a few days. I was ecstatic, on a high, proud, in fact there are no words in dictionary to define what it felt like. Everyone who knows me will feel sports is something that brings joy to me. But today, out of nowhere got a feeling, Has sports really made me happy???

Yes & No. When our team wins it gives me a kick and motivates to work hard towards the real goals. When we lose it takes out half the energy out of me like a bad hangover. It isn’t just about Cricket, it’s about every sport.  I respect every person who achieved his dreams or got close or even worked sincerely towards it especially the Sports Persons who have always inspired me, be it Sachin, Messi or Djokovic. I’ve utmost respect for them because they achieved what they dreamt of. I see in them what I wanted to be and it hurts me.

I was reading an interview of Baichung Bhutia this morning, his heroics, how he became a national hero, the amount of hard work that goes in reaching to this level and facing all the hurdles as he comes from a place with not so great facilities and now giving it all back to his state and I’ve read millions of such interviews and it really makes me feel like a ‘loser’. I couldn’t achieve what I wanted, couldn’t fulfill my dreams, my crazy fantasies. Every day I still imagine myself in blue colours playing for India or helping India qualify for the Football World Cup.

Every day the dreams are fulfilled with imaginations, trying to feel complete. Imagining myself living someone else’s life. Sometimes feeling I hate sports because it makes me feel defeated. Still undecided whether I ate or love the game?

Will I ever be really happy even if have a successful professional career?

 The dream is still a dream and I know can’t be fulfilled but I’m still searching for ways to attached to the real game in some meaningful way. May be that could fill up the barren spaces and provide some solace?